Friday, August 22, 2008

My Marriage to Aishwarya Ray


I married Aishwarya Ray (Aish) last month yielding to her relentless request. Little did I know at that time what was in store for me!

Within the first week of our marriage, I faced death threats from Salman Kaun, Vivek Kabirai and Abhishek Pachpan. If that was not enough, I escaped two attempts at my life and after each incident, all of them called to say that they were not behind it. I even wonder if Salman saw me as a ‘black buck’...

We went to London, Venice and Paris for our honeymoon. We avoided Switzerland since I knew that Abhishek’s chacha lived there. And Vivek was already hiding in the hills of Scotland – wide awake, though 'avivek'.

I did everything you would expect a newly-married groom to do on a honeymoon – book the tickets, open the door, and even make tea in the morning, and expecting Aish only to help me colour-coordinate my dress in return (what did your evil mind think?). But not only did she not do so, but she ruined me by shopping from every shop in the places we visited. Before marriage, I used to catch her in my arms but afterwards I started catching her in my pockets.

Whenever she embarks on one of her shopping expeditions, she used to announce, "I am going to do some shopping. I will be back in about $50,000 or so." Probably I am being too harsh on her; I must admit that she shopped only twice during the week - once for three days, once for four.

The demands went soaring from London itself when Aish asked for the Kohinoor diamond. I should have seen it coming from the bluish green (or was it grayish violet?) glint in her eyes when we were headed for the Tower of London. I got out of the situation by saying that we would have to negotiate with the Queen, which I assured her we will do while visiting Buckingham Palace (I am sure you have guessed by now that we did not visit Buckingham Palace later).

When I hailed a cab and told the cabbie, “The lady wants to go to Macy’s”. The cabbie, who I realize now was an intelligent chap, gave me a quizzical look and asked, "And the gentleman? Does he want to go to the bank before?" I still did not take the cue. On the way when Aish saw YMCA, she remarked, “Look, they spelled MACY’S wrong!”

It was a moonlit evening in Paris and we were atop the Eiffel Tower, when Aish, on spotting Louvre, said that she wanted to buy the Monalisa for her dadi in India. Imagine having to explain to the stewardess the reason for carrying the world’s most famous painting in the cabin! In Venice, she wondered if we could take couple of Gondolas to India. I had a tough time convincing her that our yachts in India were far superior. To cut the short story further short, I have become bankrupt due to Aish. I am visiting Paris next month to appear for the hearing of my bankruptcy application. My luck has become so bad that even my bank is in trouble. They returned my cheque with the comment 'insufficient funds'.

This is the kind of incident I believed would happen to someone else; but unfortunately I did not realise that I was also 'someone else' to someone else. I am sure harried (read ‘married’) men, who have had similar shocking (read ‘shopping’) experiences with their wives will empathize with me. I have served the divorce notice to Aish, considering that Christmas is just few months away. I am going to be more careful in future while considering marriage with Angelina Dolie and Sushmita Pen, who are pestering me. If you know about their shopping habits, please do drop me a 'line offline' (I liked the rhyme); I will be indebted to you and not to my financiers as I am now.

In case, somebody thinks that this post is a result of my imagination, I have attached a photo of Aish and me kissing, taken during our honeymoon. That should probably convince all doubting Thomases, Peters, Pauls, Joneses, et al.

[Disclaimer: Any resemblance to people alive, dead or not yet born may or may not be coincidental, but is definitely not intentional]

18 comments:

Sreerupa said...

HAHAHA!! Thoroughly enjoyed this bit....

raj said...

Dude, I cannot help u out with my experiences with Ms.Pen and Ms.Dolie, however can suggest u few names who may not cause much damage to ur pocket.The list is endless, however i would like to mention about Vidya Kalan and Priyanka Copra

Salil said...

@Sree:
Hey nice to see you tresspassing. Thanks.

@Raj:
Appreciate it buddy.
This is exactly the kind of information I was looking for. Have taken note of Vidya Kalan. Would you by any chance know about Catherine Zeta-Bones' shopping habits?

AnilK said...

If salman saw you as a black buck you would be dead by now.
Nice work there. Had a good laugh.
Regards,
Anil

Pramila said...

hahaha, very cute and nicely penned... had a god laugh, do let us know abt ur next pocket picking exp... hahaha

Joseph said...

so you are utilizing your opportunity to dream of other gals ;-) lucky you.

i knew you are good in numbers; never knew you are good with words too.

Salil said...

@Anil:
Thanks for passing by.
It seems Salman�s statue has also been put up at Madame Tussuads. Guess what his reply was, �It is not the first time I am waxed. It has happened before too and has pained a lot.�

@Pramila:
It was nice of you to come this way again. Will let you know of future experiences if I survive to tell the tale.

@Joseph:
I only dream about them. What about you?
Actaully there are three types of accountants; those that are good with words and those that are not...

Anonymous said...

wide awake, though avivek = good pun. u have a very weird sense of humour but funny.

Anurag said...

Hey Dude!!...... Its worth getting bankrupt for ..... Good read, Thanks for sharing!!

Prasad said...

Lol!! Nice read :-)

Salil said...

@Anon:
Thank you.
I never set out to be weird. It was always the other people who called me weird - Frank Zappa.

@Anurag:
They say that the world is in a state of bankruptcy, that the world owes the world more than the world can pay.

@Prasad:
Thanks for your comments. I noticed that we have very similar blog titles. Are we brothers?! :-)

Kat said...

Thanks Salil for the Camera tips-n-tricks. Was laughing reading your hilarious blog.

Strengthens the thought from the quote - "marry a donkey which loves you than the horse you love?" (read in an autorickshaw..!!)

Salil said...

@Kat:
You are welcome for advice on anything. Actually I have a tree which bears 'advice fruits' :-)
Socrates said "By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."

Rahul said...

hilarioooous .. really thrilled to read and even good was the picture ...

Salil said...

@Rahul:
Thanks buddy.
The picture of the actual real-life incident was uploaded to convince skeptical people like you.
Btw, Madame Tussauds is a great place (oh there, I spilled the beans!)

Ranjani said...

ROTFL!!

That was awesome!!!!

Salil said...

@Ranjani:
Thanks. I am glad you had a good laugh.

Jay said...

An excellent Post!! :)