Friday, October 3, 2008

Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more..

Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at. And no matter how bad you are, it is always possible to get worse.

Mark Twain is one of my most-respected writers and most of the respect he gets from me is because of his famous quote ‘Golf is a good walk spoiled’. With due respect, he has a lot of other reasons to be respected. But ever since I heard that, I respect my walks a lot more, which incidentally have never been on a Golf course. See how much of respect I have used in this paragraph. I told you, I am a respectable fellow.

Golf is a game where you put a very small ball into an even smaller hole. Research shows that the average age of a golf player is 51 years (my research; but remember, my blog). I guess that explains why golf is such a thrilling game keeping you at the edge of your seat always. Any more excitement and the percentage of elders in the population will drastically reduce.

What is it with senior management and Golf? Golf is 20 percent talent and 80 percent management. Again my research suggests that the favourite game of 94% of senior management is Golf. There are so many better games and you are pardoned if you thought that the law of averages should suggest that those games might also be popular among the senior management. But alas, that is not the case. By the way, do you know the ideal score for a senior management golfer? It is 90. If he is better than that, he is neglecting his company. And if he is worse, he is neglecting his Golf.

Talking about golf and senior management reminds me of this joke:
The game of choice for junior employees is basketball.
The game of choice for frontline employees is football.
The game of choice for middle management is tennis.
The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.
Conclusion: Higher up the corporate ladder you are, smaller your balls are.

But I am still not sure if one takes up Golf after becoming senior management or if one takes up Golf to become senior management. If the sample of one of my senior colleague, who recently moved up to senior management, is only considered, it would suggest the former.

A senior colleague of mine explained his liking for Golf as thus, “You are not only playing with other players, but with yourself too. There are natural complexities also that you encounter which makes the game very interesting.” I found that explanation puzzling since it was no different in other sports too. My confusion was resolved when I learned later that Golf is the only sport he plays.

I asked a friend of mine, who is learning the game, how his game was shaping up. His reply was, “It has improved a lot. I am hitting fewer trees now.” A senior executive of our company has all the gadgets to play golf better; he now just needs to learn to play the game. Golf sure is a mysterious game that raises so many conundrums. He makes me wonder ‘do you buy the gadgets to improve the game or do you improve your game and then make use of the gadgets?’

Another colleague in senior management died for the cause, sorry, died on the course. But we weren’t surprised; he was so fanatic about the game. He got a hole in one before he even learned the game. There is another fanatic follower of the game in our senior management, who beats everybody so miserably that if he collected a dollar for every win, he would have been richer than Bill Gates by now.

I have not taken to the game due to its obvious lack of excitement over an eighteen-hole marathon walk of close to four hours. The other problem is that it takes you so far away from the clubhouse unlike other games. H G Wells once remarked that the uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. By that logic, I should actually be a great golf player. Cricket builds character, soccer reveals it and golf exposes it; and that is another reason I keep away from up the game. My only handicap in Golf is the grass, woods and irons - I don’t know about them!

How can any write-up on golf not mention Tiger Woods? If fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour.

If golf is all about putting things into holes, caroms, anyone?


Keshi said...

haha I love ur sense of humor!

**If fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour.

LMAO good one!!


Chriz said...

in golf, the ball should go in... and the stick stays out... but not in sex... haha... man your humor is good

Wannabe Deep Shitter said...

u just scored a birdie, buddy.. :-).. awesome one..

Anonymous said...

Ha, good one again pal.
Golf is a game where you put a very small ball into an even smaller hole - how do you do that? :-D

Wondering Wanderer said...

This was seriously funny :-)

Anonymous said...

In you list of 'balls' game, cricket doesn't appear. so who plays cricket?

Did you write this in shock (of finding out your executives have smaller balls) or of frustration (that you can't play with balls, i mean golf)?

Why caroms? There are other games for 'putting things into holes' - like snookers ;-)

Usha Pisharody said...

Awesome Mr Salil... awesome indeed:) The puns; the absolutely laid-back humour; the giggles that just keep coming...:) Ohhh! yes! This is an entertainer through ...

And you scored a lot of points as well.. with the research, and the perspective! Lol!

Amazing, simply amazing!

I Witness said...

The title takes the cake ... I wont be able to look at Golf without ever being reminded of the title ...

But then this was just what I wanted after a stressed out meeting ...

You are getting better by the blog... absolutely delightful read Salil... hope you are able to climb up the corporate ladder without too much shrinkage to the balls...

PS: thought I had left this comment sometime earlier, came back too see that it was not there ...

Mampi said...

Loved reading it.
You got a good sense of humor.
The post was laughter inducing, hence helpful in falling from the chair.
But your research takes the cake, anyday.

Anonymous said...


I think i leanred more on golf

"H G Wells once remarked that the uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. By that logic, I should actually be a great golf player."

Err,i think i am also a golf-er

Gazal said...

you are getting better by the post..

so which stage of balls are you at??

ramesh sanijeeth sadasivam said...


Govind said...

Excellent post especially the KU KLUX KLAN bit.:-)

Salil said...

I too love my sense of humour..:-)
But a good sense of humour is not the ability to say a joke but to take a joke.

Thank you.
Tch, tch.. bad boy, bad comment!

Thanks buddy.
Do you know that every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe :-)

Thank you pal.
That is what makes golf so difficult. But don’t you think golf is an expensive way of playing marbles?

Thank you for ‘wander’ing out here.
I intended it to be not-so-seriously funny, but what the heck, you can take it as you like it!

I guess that joke was not written by a guy from the cricket-playing country.
I wrote this blog because I am influenced so much out here in US to take up the game though I am resisting. Because the man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work, soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.
Well, I am reasonably good at caroms but not snookers. I hope that explains caroms.

You comment was more awesome :-)
I am told that there is no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies!

Salil said...

Thanks buddy.
Title was definitely for the eyeballs :-)
When you stop to think about it, did you ever notice that it's a lot easier to get up at 5 am on a Sunday morning to play golf than at 10 to vaccum the house?
I looked for the elevator but missed it. Now I have decided not to go to the terrace :-)

Thank you for passing by.
Sorry for getting you off the chair.
Actually golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday, because you always end up praying a lot.

Golf has a long tradition. In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
By HG Well’s logic you are only a golfer, I am a ‘great’ golfer :-)

Thank you for your comment from the capital.
Would I answer your question if I said, I am learning tennis these days.

Succint comment, I must say..

Thank you, new blogger.
Guess what, even people who can't break a 100 think that they could give Tiger a few tips!

Anonymous said...

Dont remember who, but someone famous once said this about golf,

"I rather play a game where i have to run to get the ball rather than walk to the ball."

My sentiments exactly.

Roopa said...

Your humor is spot on friend :). We have the same dilemma here, to golf or not to golf! Apparently, everybody who matters in this material world plays it!

Anonymous said...

Whoa! I am glad Wodehouse is no more. But I bet he is turning in his grave!!
BTW way its the same in the army. If you play golf you must be at least a Brigadier, though some Colonels also do play golf as also some Majors (maska experts) too!! :-))) Ooops i hope I don't get beaten up for that!!

Salil said...

Thanks for visiting.
He he.. I agree, I too would rather run than walk.
Golf definitely is a funny game. You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks!

That is precisely the million-dollar-question: to golf or not to golf!
Reminds me of this joke -
A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk, my son. Soon, you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You'll be pre-occupied and won't be able to think of anything else."
He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly's called golf."

Thank you.
So what you are saying is that in army, ‘once you major, you play golf’ :-)
Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of ‘poor’ players!

Solitaire said...

Wait! Your first line got me.
You don't have to be good at sex to enjoy it?

sansmerci said...

the title got me :).. haha got one as always!

Pearl said...

Funny post. Funny man.


Unknown said...

After going through this i decided one thing - i will start practicing golf - to become a senior executive :)

Salil said...

Hey, I seldom ‘get’ a lady with my first line ‘-)
Well, if you won’t believe one person’s (mine) word for it, ask anybody else who is not good at sex if they enjoy it :-)

Thank you.
While walking on grass if you happen to hear ‘keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more’, particularly from behind bushes, please don’t think what I thought. It could well be a golf instructor giving lessons!

Funny Comment :-)

Well, good luck to you.
A word of advice - if you want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.

ramesh sanijeeth sadasivam said...

Hi Salil, Please visit the following link and decide whether you need to hide from the FBI or not.:)

Devika Jyothi said...

You n(a)utty, respectable fellow!

don't you know equally respectable 'second sex' will come this way??

let me say in malayalam and put English in brackets...

Namichu Maashe, haasyam :-))
(Bow you sir, for the humour sense)

come again!

PS: Certain Kind has some -- unusual?? see it there :-)

Rakesh Vanamali said...

Awesome Salil...... thats some great humor there! Loved it!

"But I am still not sure if one takes up Golf after becoming senior management or if one takes up Golf to become senior management." Isnt the latter so true???!!!

"The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf." Why am I not coaching Greg Norman then? ;)

btw.... the only thing that I've liked about Golf (so far) is the course, the vast expanse filled with well manicured never-ending greens!

On a passing note, where can you find my God-forsaken former superboss while the team is firefighting?
The Golf-course of course! Its quite another thing to play the game though! ;)

Gauri said...

Hahaha all the way !! awesome stuff :)

Swarna said...

Salil, this is perfect read as a break from any other job...even reading PGW! I can never understand this slow sport, but I admire both PGW who writes about it a lot, and you, who have had your say in one entry!

Salil said...

Appreciate your mention.
After reading your blog, I don’t think I have to hide from FBI :-)

Thank you for your kind words. But my reply remains the same as what I told Keshi.
Ithokke chumma oru tharikida, athreye ulloo.. (these are just few cheap tricks, that’s all)

Thanks buddy.
Yeah, maybe someday I will break the nexus between golf and senior management, or on second thoughts, maybe not…
Well, I am not sure you need to take up an expensive 4-hour unexciting game to experience vast expanse filled with well manicured never-ending greens!
I guess your God-forsaken former superboss’ score is lower than 90 :-)

Thank you, by the way!

Well, humour can ease most tensions, particularly the ones inflicted by job, bosses, spouse, stock market, etc :-)
But how could you do this?! I think PGW just turned in his grave ‘-)

Anonymous said...

lol.. funny... and thats from a Golfer..

by the way I am careful about using the term "You play with yourself".. too many puns...

Devika Jyothi said...

Hey gentle man Salil!

sorry, my comment was in no way kind, but definitely thanks for being kinder with the response..:-))

anyway, its always a pleasure to see the funny sides of life...and to have someone so funny as a friend...

you got something 'serious' at Soc-Pol blog. Please visit when time permits...

see again!

Chriz said...

hey hop down to my page for some humor too.. a video this time..

RukmaniRam said...

this was real funny.

Came here through some random bloghoppping. and will come again :)

Gazal said...

it took me a year to get to the end of the page...

34 comments...lokks like this is one celebrity blog...

you are tagged btw

Anju said...

Haha...great post! Intelligent humour..good work man!
I always wondered what all this fuss is about golf.

Whoever came up with this game, I feel, was one lonely soul! It makes sense though, top management and golf,the average top management age is 40-50. So now these guys have had there share of pain in life, the love handles, the beer bellies and top it up with mid life crisis...and there...the golf player! No Running around, no messing about...

Great research! And thanks for dropping in at my blog..:-)

DeeplyDip said...

lol...its my firts time here and enjoyed going through this post...will visit again :)

Salil said...

Thanks for coming this way.
It is surprising that a golfer found it funny. The last golfer who read this had a scowl on his face.
I am told that the less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing. Btw, how do you think I should swing?

Welcome to this space of nonsense.
Only sense that prevails here is sense of humour; but unfortunately it is mine!
See you again, unless you are out golfing over the weekend.

Thank you for the comment.
I could not agree with you more. And to add insult to injury, for some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.

Thanks for passing by.
It is always enjoyable the first time. I hope you find it enjoyable in future too, reading my blogs, that is!

Anonymous said...

@salil: You need to laugh at yourself... and you are right about the ones who advise... teaching Golf is best left to the pros...

By the way check out all the golf jokes on

One of my favorite sites

Ganges said...

loved it....and the last sentence was simply side splitting!!!

Salil said...

Thank you for leaving your remark.

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